decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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