so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
