even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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