Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
