i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
