so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
