im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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