I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
