His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
