man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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