I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
