Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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