I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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