All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
