i was rollin on her like bob the builder
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
