I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
