HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
