Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i came on her dog
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
