i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
