Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
