i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
