woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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