My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
