I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
