I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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