we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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