i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize