i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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