I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
