i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
