After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
