So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
