I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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