Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
