I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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