"it" just moved
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
