They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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