We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
