That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
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how do flat chested girls get laid?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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