he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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