Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
