you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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