She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
