dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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