Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
