theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
