chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
