new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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