Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
