I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
