I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
