My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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