when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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