how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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